There was a time.

Hi, 

The question on what my commitment was when I left Kenya has haunted me. When followed by what do I want? then the easiest place for me to go with that is confusion

I feel like am in a real space of failure staring at potential and opportunity. I am stretching my hand to reach at the opportunity and it keeps sliding away from my fingers. Sliding away so fast that there is not even a lingering feeling of what it could have been. The space has some how eroded all feelings...joy, happiness, sadness, melancholy, malaise. A couch or a tree has a better purpose than I do right now. Or more purpose than I feel I have at the moment. 

My attempt(s) to clear my head from the romantic longings of my life in Kenya are futile. Comparison between what was and what is persist much to my irritation and annoyance. "There are so many things I need to do" I keep saying to myself and yet when i try to bring that to reality I find emptiness. Like there is nothing that I need to do. 

I am dealing with disappointment of my expectations of people. I am angry. I feel short-changed. I know that I have skills that would make a difference in the development world. The casual dismissal based on status quo, tradition and cliques makes me feel crushed. The impact on me is I can not make it work by myself and have to trust people to make it work for me....and yet, am resentful of the acquaintances, friendships and 'connections' that exist. Maybe nothing will come out of the resentment....(??) I do not know. 

Maybe my intentions were a romanticized version. The reality is not the same. In 2010, I struggled with 'what would it look like?’ I remember my strong reservations and the need to know, 'will it work out? will I be fine? will it all work out?' In the uncertainty context, I still chose to transition ......Now am struggling with whether that was the only choice or if I made it the only choice. Blind to everything else.  The initial reservations and querying of it have come back, internally at least. 

There was a time when I thought I knew what I wanted. There was a time when I felt like my life was full. There was a time I was able to laugh with complete abandon. There was a time when my sustenance emanated from the love of people around me and people in my life. There was a time when I did not pay attention to my surroundings because I was not a minority. There was a time I could unashamedly cry. There was a time my work made a difference. There was a time when life was simply life. I long to have and experience that again.