Letter to a friend -"I fell in love with him"

And so I fell in love with him. I never planned it. I guess love is never planned. It just happens. I have clinged onto him. In the clinging, I have become some thing I don't recognise. I looked in the mirror. Some formation of me stared back.

And so I fell in love with him. He said: "you are the man I love" What I heard "I am soo in love with you I wonna soar to the galaxies with you" My ears let me down. My eyes disappointed me My heart...well...the heart is not so smart, is it? And now, I am left with nothing but frails of entanglement. Wisps of me. I kept saying to myself that he is doing this to me. He makes me scream at him. He makes me drink more than I should. He flirts with me. Manipulates me. Has me wrapped round his little finger. He has taken everything from me and not given me anything - not even the scraps He has used me. My heart. My kindness. My generosity.

I made excuses for him. Maybe when he said he is not homosexual, he wanted to see my reaction. He really did not mean it. He really wants to love me. But he has baggage of many years. "I am not gay" I heard "I may not be gay, but with you, I will try, I will explore" I made excuses for him. I have to try harder. Buy him more gifts. Offer more of me. Then he will love me back. Offer more of him to me. The way i desired. Wanted. Needed.

And so i fell in love with him. He loves me back. I fell in love with him. I fell out of love with me. I fell in love with him. I lost myself. My essence. I let me be usurped by my fantasies and dreams And as he goes home to the arms of another, a brutal anger surfaces. Not just of her but of other women. Angry at me, for not having been a woman. For not having a pussy. Maybe If i did have one, he would love me the way i desire to be loved. Maybe that is the only thing I need to be complete. Maybe then he will stay. .....and love me.

I fell in love with him Love is not planned. But what of self love? Can you plan that? 

Be deliberate about that? I am re-learning. I am still (t)here. I never left. I love you!