My dearest friend!
How i have longed to write to you and to read from you. you have a way with words that fill me up and lift me up! Inspires me.
And once again, i find your email buried under loads of FaceBook notifications and all other kinds of emails. they call the other kind Spam. And i open it to just re read where we left off. i love the fact that there is never any gaps with us.. Our ability to pick up from where we left off, move on with our conversations and be in each other’s soul and spirit truly is a blessing.
I am fine. Once again, i find myself in a space of uncertainty. Am unsure what am uncertain about. that is scary. the thing is i am not scared. i am sad. i am in transition again. my beau will be coming back to the US for work purposes. Work that i wanted him to have. work that i know that he will be great. his presence there will add so much value and will inspire so many other people around the world that my demands and my needs and my wants pale in comparison. and a long time ago, i chose him and i chose this. i am happy about it. I am sad when i focus on the practicalities of what such a transition means. instead, i focus on the larger vision. on the larger contribution that he is capable to make to the world. that gives me rest. gives me respite. and am able to sleep. I hope to join him in the US within a 6-9mnth period. Inshallah!
I am beginning to realise how rooted i have become in my life here. this place where 10 years ago i would have deserted and probably at that time, i thought i would never come back to. my roots have found a hold. at least i think so. at least that’s another reason why my heart weeps. i have family here. the family that i was born into. importantly, universe has created a family for me. it is not the family that many would call that but it is a family nonetheless. people who unconditionally love me. and i them, back. i am finding that i am getting more and more involved in making people happy. in finding spaces, opportunities and chances where 'kids like me' can find themselves. i am supporting this. in my own way. in a way that is somewhat behind the scenes and yet, i am rooted in their pain. i am grounded in their need for a better community and environment. i am pegged to their inspirations and believe that we can really really change the world. how deep my roots go i am not very clear. i know this though, i have roots, they have found a hold. transition will not be easy.
I have school. i have a thesis to write. i have a brain lock. i do not know where to begin and where to end. i do not know how to phrase the words - just right- so that the nuances, the meaning the conjoining allows the reader to decipher my meaning. to feel me. through an academic piece of work, i want the world to know me. to feel me. maybe that is why it is so hard for me to even begin. i have to get over the fear of being 'unknown' and yet deeply afraid of being 'known'. a space that i currently occupy. a room am not sure i want to stay in much longer..i think i should open both doors. leave them ajar. and let the universe take care of me. take care of them. take care of my thinking and my school paper.
it seems i just want to write and write. different thoughts keep wafting through my head. through my mind.
now am thinking, i should tell you that i have found a house here. it infers you knew i was looking for one. and yet again, we have a way of knowing and filling in any empty spaces. so i have found a house. i will be moving there when my beau leaves in couple of weeks time. it is a nice old house. i am proud of it, even though i have not moved in there yet. the age of it reminds me. i have roots here. i have become rooted here. the significance of my rooting and the beginning of yet another journey. my pilgrimage through this sector of my being.
i think about you a lot. i worry about you when i do not hear from you. i wonder where you are. i wonder if you still can write. if you still can express yourself in the way that is only your Brand that can. some what, i know that you can. some where in my heart i know that wherever you are, universe offers you an opportunity to reach out to some one, with open arms, a warm embrace..should they be too far away from you, the light of your smile. i feel it. i miss it.
i have never left. i am still here. i never left. (why am i crying now?)
Still.
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