Let-expression!

I wonder if the roads will be clear enough this morning to go to work. But then again, maybe, they will not be, and I will stay home and settle. Maybe I will stay home and put away things that need to be put away. Keep still for a minute. This is what January did for me. I kept thinking that I should have gone somewhere else but the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I needed to be in that house, by myself, even without house help and really establish it as my space. My own. Create an energy and a bond with the house and with myself. It really helped.

On a long drive, it really hit me that I was going away from my house and to another person's space. I got to see that I was really tired, exhausted, frustrated, tired. I have been working at de-membering each of the issues and then re-membering them. School, work, house, me, us, you, family, friends, etc. 2008 was not easy at all. I am not clear that I really recovered from that. I am not sure that I have really recovered from it to date. 2009 was then anxiety filled. My stomach was in knots the entire year. I was not sure what was going to happen. That space was not a very good space to be in. I did not recognize that space while I was in it. I am getting to see that now. (This presumes that had I recognized that space then, I would have done something about it - the more I think about that, the more I know I would not have, I was numb). The knots came undone on my road trip. The tears welled and burst out. Torrents, heavy. It is unclear to me why, for whom, the tears were and are about. I felt cleansed though.

There is an element in me that makes me think that I was depressed. Like I was in depression....there has to be a word/phrase that describes perpetual numbness. Of mind, body and spirit. An inability to enjoy or to find joy in the places where this once existed. It is like I was in autopilot. Reminiscent of the 2008 period. A period of pure survival, adrenaline, and hope. In 2009, I was not sure of the hope. I was sure of the need to have it end. To have the uncertainty end and to be grounded. Please do not read this and think that you did this. You did not do anything. You did what you did; I went all sorts of different directions. As I dis-member aspects of my life, I am finding that easy to do. It is as if my life is dis-membered already. Various compartments that know of each other but not really meet each other. Have no relationship with each other. I am feeling like that has to get completed. Dis-closed and re-closed. The re-closing will not be my work rather the compartments will organically get that done.

When you left, I was not sure what to do. To cry, wail, be sad? There was a feeling of “ok, let’s get on with it now". Not jubilation, celebration or anything of that sort. Rather a completion and anxiety of a new beginning. Like that feeling you get when you are about to begin something new......something that you have no real feelings about except the thrill of newness. This hounded me for a while and am no longer guilty about that. It does not mean/imply/infer that my love for you is any less. Practical brain took over. This is part of the knots in my stomach. At least one was undone and now, I could handle the others.

I told you that I am exploring safeness. Like being safe with you. I know not what that will reveal. What I know is that for a long time I was encapsulated in some space and now that is gone. The people who know me are urging me on. The ones who love me understand this, they are much gentler, affirming, reassuring. I am getting a slight thrill re-membering bits and pieces. It is not anything physical at all. Nothing tangible at all. I get my spirit and soul stretch and re-member. Steady, slowly.

I cannot go over this again in a conversation. I feel like I talk too much and I hear very little from you. Maybe because you do not say much. Alternatively, maybe am not listening. Am not discerning enough. As I explore me right now, I am concerned that, I know little of what is happening inside of you. What is happening inside? What are you thinking? Feeling? Working with? Exploring?