I find that some things are always full circle!
Thanks for your insight and input. Some thing that I had not really seen through these lens. I say that I am reliant on the generosity of strangers forgetting that generosity of friends can also be unexpectedly fulfilling.
Interestingly I had begun to feel irrelevant, asking myself, what is my role here, what is my responsibility here? What is my authority? What is happening around me and what can I do about it? At times I felt like my work is done and I should move. Read the writing on the wall and respond to it. Not in an “abscond –duty-kind-of-way, neither is it in an AWAL sort of way, just asking myself; do I have more to give here?.
I forget and do not ask myself another really important and useful question, have I learnt all there is to learn here? Will get back to this in a minute.....
Panic, loss of power, aggravation, irritation, no expression, no creation, minimal innovation. No work gets done. No Living. Detachment. And I have been here before. I should know this space. There is a part of it that should be familiar to my system at least. And yet, my system was numb to it. Did not engagingly recognise the space - by so doing, ability to interrupt it was inept. The button was not hit fast enough. And so, there is a sense of panic within the office, where has he gone, what is going on? What do we do now? My ineptness seeps into the system and everyone is either in orbit somewhere or playing catch up. Not recognising that I am the source of this has had people tired, exasperated by things that hitherto were sources of joy as each one of them congregate to sort out an issue.
I have lost the power; the spontaneity that I know abounds in me. In doing so a sense of relate-ability with the team has paled. That little intangible sense of commonness evaporated and whenever it would attempt to slide back into the space, it would find it inhabitable. What you resist persists. And what I have been resisting is raising myself to the other level and instead, I have been failingly attempting to conjoin things that really need not be conjoined. My career and the growth and expansion of the program. They are not conjoined; I have been using this as an excuse not to move on with what needs to be done. I am letting go at yet the same point that I have let go in the past. Thus why I say, this is familiar, this tastes very much like something that I have tasted before. I am about to give in. I am running. The little voice at the back of my head is snickering at me “you see you are not good enough! You can never go past this point. You are not good enough!”.
I recognise this now. I recognise that I am full circle again. Some where I have been before. I look all around me and it is rampant everywhere, things that I have enthusiastically started and somewhere along the line I have let go. I have let go of the enthusiasm and in so doing, I have let these things, projects, initiatives go. My malaise creeps into others involved in the projects and they also let go. I have to embrace that who I am is some one who can get things done. I can design, conceptualise things, personalise them, train others in doing them, support them to do them and smile as I sit back happily at the communal accomplishment. My language has changed. Notice that I say “my language’ and not ‘the language I use’ has changed. And that is the change. Things have become mine. For all intents and purposes some one looking in from the outside has a feeling that I have delegated, I have empowered, I have created a space for other people to be. Total inauthenticity! What I have done is set people up to do the things that I am unable to do (I only have two hands at the end of the day), pretend to be cheerful when results are achieved while inside I long for validation. I long to be told “You thought through this very well”. Inauthenticity. I see it, the foul taste of it is stuck on the roof of my mouth like garlic!
And so I go back to the question; have I learnt all there is to learn here? Is there nothing left for me to learn here? Is my part in this story complete? Is it time for me to get off the stage, join the audience or maybe leave the theatre altogether? Maybe not. Maybe if I stay, if I watch from the sidelines, I will learn something. Perhaps my part on the stage is done, but I am still very useful in the preparation room. Possibly I will make a wonderful stage prop. Probably I will be great at drawing the curtains when the play is done. The next level is not always all glam and fab. The next level could be sitting back at the source and reflecting. And in the reflection re-create.
And so I am taking uncertainty at the source as a possibility. I am willing to play the uncertain game, fully, self aware and invitingly. Enthusiastically.
I will take this on. To play my game. To break through this ceiling that I have put for myself. I feel interrupted. To interrupt it. Newly. Not confrontingly. With embrace, love, power and most of all to have fun whilst doing it. And that little voice at the back of my head, I can reassuringly, strongly, without hesitation or a quiver in my voice, say, “I am good enough”. In fact, I am better than good enough! I am here. I have been here. You have stopped me before. You will not stop me now. I am here! I am here!
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