No Longer

I no longer know what i want here. I have been bombarded with issues from all sides. and i no longer know what i want, which way to go, who to run to.

I spent part of this week in Arusha in TZ facilitating a skills building workshop. The workshop brought together people from 4 Eastern Africa region : Ethiopia, Uganda, Tanzania and Kenya. Whereas the content of the workshop was beneficial to the participants, any opportunity they could get, you would see small groups. With Kenyans taking the center stage. Explaining things, answering questions, propelling individual political analysis. Every one eager to hear what they had to say, what they see as the vision for Kenya, what they see as the process or the way out of this madness that we have generated in this country.

Everyone has an opinion. Regretably, none of the 34 (minus 2) Million opinions matter at this time. At least, for now, they will do nothing to quell to the madness, the chaos, the pain, the hurt, the death. The mourning, the griefing, the escalating hospital bills, the need for humanitarian assistance (blankets, food, water, sanitation mechanisms). None will. At least this is my view. The minus 2 above will. The two leaders of the this country have the capacity, the capability, the resources, the wherewithal to make this stop. THEY CAN MAKE IT STOP.

In my work, i keep getting phone calls and other correspondence. We have lost a child, some of the caregivers of the children we were working with have been displaced, have ran off, have abandoned the children. Have been raped. Have been killed. Always ending with the question, what do we do? And i am encumbered by a powerlessness that i have never felt before in my life. I am at a loss for words. Some times, i will have tears in my eyes. Crying for every thing that is happening. Crying for not having an answer as the person at the other end expects a miraculous answer from me. Hoping that maybe, maybe some one will know what to say. Subconsciously maybe even hoping that i will say, it will stop tomorrow. We will all go back to our work. Our vocation. But i do not. And the only thing that i can say, with the aim of consolation is We are praying that it gets better. Please be safe. As i put the phone down and/or finish typing that email, i am overwhelmed by just how insignificant i have been reduced. I did not want this. I was significant when i cast the ballot. I did my duty. I exercised my democratic right. And they have taken away my human right. My dignity. Travelling in Tanzania i did not want to be known to be Kenyan. I was ashamed of being known to be Kenyan. They took away my human right.

In country, i am afraid to speak in my mother tongue. Lest there is some one listening. Lest it ignites some thing in some one close by. Maybe some one who has been eavesdropping. I am afraid to be proud of my identity. My human right. Less than 3 weeks ago, ethnic stereotyping was abound. Now, we can not laugh at our ethnicity. No, we can not jest about each other's ethnicity. Lest it sparks off whatever it may. My self expression has been taken away from me. My Human Right has been taken away from me. They have used the ballot to take away my human right. My good deed, my good citizen deed, my democratic right, my human right has been thrown right back in my face and every thing has been taken, just as it was bestowed: this time, with violence, blood letting, rape, name calling, propoganda, rumour mongering, blame shifting and worst of all, by the ego of two men! Seemingly, they are holding on to those rights!

Why will the two not meet. Put an end to this?

Make it stop? I no longer know myself.

Every moment that is spent on deliberations that does not lead to decisive actiion is a moment tragically wasted
Nelson Mandela, Johannesburg, September 2002

Make it Stop!