so, i have been struggling with the thought of children.
of not having them actually
and when i trace my family, i find that the name that i possess which was my grandfathers
as was his grandfathers before him and so on and so forth
may come to an end if ido not have a child who will name his/her child after me
then i think that maybe, i could prevail upon those of my family that can have children
to give them the name that i call myself, the name that i was given at birth

i have the conversation with my mother
i say to her " i may not have children Mother"
and when i look into her eyes, there is no "why,my child?"
"you do not want your name to die in this family, to be forgotten"
" i will adopt one mother"
" try and have your own, there is nothing like you own child'
and as she says this, she looks away. i trust my intuition that there is a conversation that we can not have
something we both know but can not talk about
it is something that is not spoken, not shared, unpublicised

we live in a world, separated
we hear the same sounds, share the same frustrations, sing the same songs, cry at the same moments
and yet, a schism separates us
i want a child.
there are ways to have one
there are ways to perpertuate my name. if that is all children are for.