Spoilt

Spoilt
this is a conversation that i am having with myself. am i spoilt?
what is spoilt?
Impair - to damage or ruin something in such a way that a quality such as worth, beauty, or usefulness, is diminished. and i think, what is my worth? beauty and usefulness? is this in terms of what i do, my work, my way of being? my usefulness to the people around me? how influential am i, at work, at home, in the community? would i then be Impaired/spoilt if my perception of who i am is less that the communities perception. am spoilt?

Harm by over indulgence - to harm a person’s character, especially a child’s, by repeated overindulgence. an overindulgence with a desire to please. so there are some people who want to please me. and in this way, things are done for me....or appear to be done for me. i have worked hard so as those things can be done. none of the things have been done because i did not work for it to happen like that. i worked for it. and even though the desire is to please me, i worked hard so that you can please me, is that spoilt? am reaping what i sow, ain't i?
what harm has been caused? i keep expecting more, and in some ways i work harder than i was doing so that the Spoilt can continue, perpetuate. i am harmed only as far as i work to be harmed? spoilt?

Cause to seem unsatisfactory - to be so good by comparison with something else that what is usually offered no longer seems satisfactory.......and here my true self worth comes out. i am not out to make the next 'thing' seem unsatisfactory, authentically, am not.
honestly, there is always that rush when i win something, an argument, a paper i have written. and in this case, i spoil for the other person. at what point am i spoilt then? always when i loose, there is someone who is better than me, my work seems unsatisfactory in comparison to the other persons. my work...spoilt. I am spoilt.

at the end of the day, i have my work, my education, my partner. i go home and i count my spoils for the day, week, month, year and my life. and there are many of those. am spoilt?

Mh, spoilt?