I have been meaning to respond to this email that you had sent some time ago. I have been meaning to write back and say some thing. I have been trying to be elder brother in this and i find that every time i try i come up short. i get to a point when there is nothing that i can say or do at this time that would make this be different.
I still do not know what to say. I still do not know if i am to console, to cheer on or what to do.
At times, things happen and they provide the sign that this is not what i wanted it to be. this is not what i was looking for. of course our quest adn addiction to life implies that we are always looking for some thing. We never really know what we are looking for but am convinced that we are always looking for some thing. a higher calling. a better friendship. a better house. at this point, i want a flat stomach and dreadlocks. will that happen? i do not know. all i can come up with at this point is that i can give each one of them a try and see how it works out. i have already got the sign that i am not ready for dreadlocks. the sign has been put up, i listened to it, i saw it, i read it and i got it, i am not ready. what about a flat stomach - well, that is a WIP. maybe it will happen maybe not. maybe a new fascination will emerge and this will be relegated to the periphery of non-existence. maybe.
and so, you gotta learn the signs. you got to learn how to learn to read the signs. when the gut clenches, the eyes glaze over and you no longer want to be in the same space with some thing, there is THE sign. but still, you can choose not to learn and listen to the sign. some times, you have to fight with Karma. you question and are obstinately tenacious. You hold on and ask "why?" In these instances you get an even more tangible sign. some times it will not be worth it. I can not speak directly into this conversation that you sent me. I am dealing with my own drama. it has not hit me why i was unable to respond to this sooner. I was emotionally drained. i was taking some time to handle my own loss, separation my aloneness. it was a tough time and i did not feel like i had the energy to spare. i am not sure that i have this energy. i can feel it seeping in slowly and i feel rejuvenating in places that have been dormant in a long time. that is why i am able to respond to this. I am handling what i need to handle. it is not easy. it is not always that some thing that has been on for 7 years moves away from you and you just up and continue. I have scars. visible scars....some of them are still bleeding. But i can tell you this, the butterfly is coming out of the cocoon. i am ready to fly. and even tho we have not 'divorced' being separated takes a toll. the uncertainty of it can be debilitating.
And so, the search continues. maybe it is no longer an external search. maybe it is time to search introspectively. within where you think that there is nothing that lies. maybe it is time to look inside and ask the questions that you would ask of others to yourself. why? when? where? work on the spirit within and this will some-what project into the outside world. I don't know how that will manifest itself. i know that being real to the self has gravitated me to places that i never thought i could go and do things that i never thought i would do. I have said this else where that it took patience, love and most of all loads loads and loads of forgiveness. of others, of things, incidents, situations, events and most of all forgiveness of self. I forgave myself for everything. all of it. And this is a journey that is almost unending. you will think, say, act in a way that begs for forgiveness. find it in yourself to allow your self that much.
Always,
Your Brother!
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