Being back on the grind here has been rather interesting and tiring. Am taking a nap the minute I get home from work. It seems to work by slowing down or completely silencing the gremlins in my head. I find that am actually able to sleep better later in the night when I have done that. Am taking it on though it is not always easy to be at home immediately after work and take a nap.....
I think that the work related political maneuvering of the last 3 months has caught up with me. The adrenaline that I had for it has all but dried up and am kinda bored. I can not seem to get my brain engaged enough to think strategy, direction. I find myself out of place in management and being a technical manager, and yet the manager at hand is not doing a good job. I think it might be easier to just re-deploy the person and have someone more challenging (to me) in that position. This weekend I had 3 events to attend and was able to do all of them. Working with youth in Nairobi is a complex game. I also think my accessibility while in some ways is good for my own knowledge of what is going on, on the other, it seems that I have to learn to grow a tougher skin. Ability to negotiate, to listen, to respect, to honour and to cherish every one.....even when I know all they are interested in at that particular point is what they can get out of me. A lesson in leadership I guess. I feel untethered in leadership role.
I have been dealing with inadequacy feeling most of this month. I am not sure why or what has caused it but I know it is the space I go into every time I am faced with some thing big. Only this time, I am unable to identify what the big thing is. It could be lethargy from trying to make a house into a home. It could be work and navigating the rather slippery slope between a highly value-based organisation with a bureaucracy that is self negating and at the same purports to do good. A bureaucracy that I am feeling more and more convinced that is interested in its own perpetuation in deep contrast for what it stands for, or what is was founded for. A feeling borne of my own dreams and visions and trust of people and a deep belief that there is good in each and every person. And if that don't work, there is a deep humanity among all of us. That we are all connected. A feeling emanating from lack of intimacy with what is around me....like am just floating through things and what I have is purposely placed in front of me to support me to get some where. And yet, I am uncertain where that some where is. Part of that also has to do with feeling like the more I 'settle and stabilise here' the more disconnected I get from you. I am trying to understand it further and to allow it to manifest in whatever way it will. Inadequacy feelings persist.
I am unable to submit my thesis. I have tried to work on it and to have it in, the deadline has rushed at me. I feel totally inept at it. I am flustered by it. Am getting more and more angry at myself every day and know deep down inside, I have let myself down. It makes me ache and cry.
I am unsure of the path. Am hoping that the path would reveal itself to me and choose me. That has translated to not being ambitious. Like I do not know what I want. Nothing in my life seems complete or ever being completed. Am in orbit. Unsure if I have an anchor and even if I do, if the anchor will hold me. Still me. Still me long enough for me to get some bearing and see the path and not the horizon.....a hazy blue where nothing is discernible at the moment.
The weekend has ended with going to the movies to watch Underworld. Even that, did not turn me on.
I have been asked if I can be on TV this coming week to talk about our program. To talk about the values of respect, diversity and self belief that the program is grounded on. This contrasts with what we are expected to do by the donor. I will have to walk a tight rope. The program on one side, the donor on the other. I feel like that youth and supposed beneficiaries of this program will some where in there. I pray that I can keep my eyes fixed on them if and when I do this show.
I am going to sleep now. Maybe tomorrow will be better. Maybe tomorrow, I will be able to find a firm spot where I can firmly place my feet and leap into the unknown with courage, hope-filled tenacity. This is my prayer for tonight.
No comments:
Post a Comment