Letter to an Ex

This is part of the letter I sent to an ex. Will be back with Part II of "Heart is Not So Smart II"

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I think it would work better to think that we gave it a very good shot. I am not sure that failure would be a word I would use to describe the situation. I think we just found our selves in a space and a place in our lives and trying the best to cope with it and it did not work out as we anticipated. I am overwhelmed every now and then and burst into tears....uncontrollably sometimes. It is become less frequent and I guess when some thing that you have is gone, there is need to allow yourself to mourn and grief. A physical separation maybe the easier part.

I am some times thinking about whether it was a reality or a notion and an idea that I was holding on to. The more I have thought about it, the more I have thought that the notion and idea of us was what existed. In reality, we did not exist the same way or in the same format as we did in the idea/notion space. Reconciling that is a journey that am going through. Not in the manner of changing the notion or the idea, but more grounded in the realities of our lives. At some level I was wondering and exploring loneliness. Discussing with a friend what I am going through and he said I have been lonely. That I am lonely. I have never thought of myself like that. I have emotional support from all corners but I guess there is a deep level of loneliness. What I am happy about is that this has not resulted in resentment in any way, form or shape. We are fine where we are. We are fine how we are. Lonely? Yes. In mourning and grief? Yes. I am allowing myself to feel these things. This is the only way I know how to cope right now.

Inventing nuances and binding oneself to these...I guess this is what I mean by notion/idea of love and a relationship. Nuanced that so we can make it happen. And now we have to deal with the reality of the nuances. The space I am in right now is this is not good and it is not bad. There is nothing moral about it. It is just what it is. There is a sense of unstuckness that is good. yes, you can date. Yes, you can see other people. Yes, you can find happiness. And yes, I will always love you and always be (t)here for you. It will be awkward for a minute [I keep thinking to myself]...after all, we are human...and that is gonna go away and we will create what we want us to be.

But as Geranium says, you can be wild. We can not do things the same way. Do your thing. I do my thing. We will do our thing. It has always been our thing. Every one else is a joyrider...

I will always be (t)here. Always. And I hope you know, feel and believe that...

All my love!