The Heart is not so Smart II

And so here I am again. 

It has been a long time since I was here. 

I never forgot that this space was here

I never took for granted the 'dumping' effect of here

I did not forsake here

I have been too busy for here. 

Ok, that is a lie. Or may be not. Maybe I have not been paying attention to all the voices in my head. I have tried and tried to keep them silent for a long time now with very little success. That momentary success comes only when am asleep...I warn you though, amnesia has been a friend for a while now. 

And so, I met him (see previous post). And I fell in love. 

The type of falling in love that you only read of in storybooks. 

You see, I am the romantic type. 

I am the kind that likes cuddles, flowers, books, music, stolen glances, secret smiles, shared jokes, hugs, kisses. 

I am the hopelessly in love type. And I did. 

He still makes my heart beat faster, 

my knees get weak when I see him, 

my head buzzes when I hear his voice outside of where I am sitting. 

When he walks in and looks at me, I want to melt. 

I not only want to hold him and never let him go...more than that...I want to melt into him. 

To be so one with him that nothing can ever tear us apart. 

In case you are wondering, he is smiling now. 

Often. 

Not always with me (yes, hint of jealousy there) but he is smiling. 

The sadness is gone from his eyes. 

The sparkle is there and lights up his entire face and his being, his soul. 

When he looks at me, I feel like he is seeing through me. 

Touching my soul, touching the deepest recesses of my being. 

I get tongue tied when around him. 

I am unsure how to carry myself. 

You see, prior to this, 

I was sure of my self. 

I was sure about what I want...or at least I had convinced myself that I did. 

And then he came..

I melted. 

My compass of life went crazy...

Like it was possessed by a supernatural power 

Like it couldn't figure out what, where, how, which, why I was where I am or where I was going. 

It is tougher than being in very rough seas. 

It is not like sinking through an abyss. 

It is not like being high on some artificial thing. 

It is more than that. 

If this is how love feels, Lord, 

I never ever want this feeling to end. 

And it is a complex space for both of us. 

For me, it is the nagging feeling that maybe he has not fallen in love with me but he loves me. 

In that kinda of younger brother, companion, very good friend way. 

It breaks my heart to think that he is not in love with me like I am with him. 

We have talked about his own conflicts. 

Not the whole gamut, rather, 

that he is conflicted about this situation. 

He is dealing with inner conflict of his own. 

We have explored professional context, 

we have talked about the social implications, 

we have talked about the sexual attraction question, 

we have talked about ‘allowing each other into our spaces’ situation. 

We have talked about it all. 

We still have not come up with any solutions. 

Or perhaps more accurately, 

I have not come up with any solutions. 

There is a part of me that says 
“Your heart is gonna break really hard” 
another voice says 
"give him time, he will come round and when he does, be prepared for the outburst of love coming your way”. 

I stay with the latter one. 

I want to feel that love in the deepest, 

most sensitive, 

most mind boggling, 

earth shattering, 

pure honey type of way. 

For now, he has allowed me to love him 

I have allowed myself to love him. 

I am not ready to be friend-zoned yet. 

Not at this point. 

Maybe it will happen but I am not ready just yet. 

And so as we explore this further and further, 

we have come to the conclusion that 

we explore unanswerable questions in good company. 

I love his company!

The heart is not so smart!