I found this in an email that i had sent to a group of friends 4 years ago. A lot of water has flowed under the bridge. And still......the game is on!
_______________________________________________________________________________________
The debate for me continues. Am I in denial about whom and what I am, or am I just trying to get by with what I have been dished out to by nature? What/why is it that I have not fully embraced what and who I am?? Why do I not share myself fully with friends and foes alike (praying that I have less of the latter!)? One side of me (the louder forceful side) screams that it is not any of anyone's business.
On closer scrutiny, I find that this may be a cover up.
“For what?” you may ask
A cover up for the pain, the struggle, the hurt, which I deal with on a daily basis. The inability to share myself to the fullest with the people around me. To let them know that to get to where I am, I have had to fight battles with myself, I have had to give up the beliefs and the norms that were instilled in me by my parents as I was growing up. I have gone against everything that my Mum may hold dear.
I still can not reconcile the institutional church with who I am.
A cover up for the fear of rejection.
The other side of me cries out for support. It cries out to be shared, to be cherished, to be laughed about, and to be included. It says to me “you are not whole and complete with the environment around you, till you share me with them". And there is the dilemma, does my sexuality got me or have I got it? Have I allowed myself to indulge in the little and maybe inconsequential issues surrounding it that I have failed to see the larger brighter picture? Am I missing something that I should have seen? is there a thing that I should have that will make me whole and complete or am I whole and complete just the way I am?
I have two ways of being.
One is the way that I generally allow to be seen. The face that I put on when I am within the larger community and the people that I am not sure about. The people who expect me to be a certain way, to behave in a certain manner, to carry myself with the pride and dignity that befits a young man (by the way, I have passed the weight test. am within the required height Vs. weight range) of my age. The virile African young man... ready to take on the challenges of a family (in the traditional mediocre and archaic meaning of family).
Then there is the happy, excited, dynamic young gay African man. He has friends.
Here the chameleon game begins. The chameleon game is getting tiring, exhausting, and tedious. The chameleon is loosing its power to change it's color with the surrounding.
The voices are winning.
I want to stay the same.
I want to remain one color and not change with the environment.
The period of playing the game is slowly on the verge of expiry.
Someone has to win.
Is a draw part of the game?
Is this acceptable? If it is, what is the pay-off? My life?
The debate on the parents. If I am indeed a product of their loins, their sweat, their work, their heartbreaks, heartache, the back aches and pains, the humiliations continues.
I wonder, what will it take me to share with them?
What are the repercussions?
What is the worst thing that could happen if i shared the 'situation' with them?
Would they pray for me?
Would they disown me?
Would my Mum wonder whether I am what she gave up her career for?
With whom I am, is there a wrong or a right?
A moral or immoral?
A positive or a negative?
Are there any yang ying forces surrounding my sexuality?
Am I just the way I am because I am the way I am?
Or
Am I the way I am because of something else?
The game continues.
No comments:
Post a Comment