Afraid to Cry

I am afraid to cry.

I am worried if I do
I will not stop.

I am afraid if I cry
I will drown
Everyone. Everything

If I cry, it will be lost
Forever.

She Called Me

She called me.

It was late afternoon/early evening

I was at home.

During that time, unbeknownst to myself, I had become dull.

Borderline depressed.

My soul longing for an anchor. 

The cyclone-like uprooting of the previous 3 years had left fractures, wounds and holes.

Some were healing

Others still bleeding, 3 years later

Others gaping open. Silently.

Looking like the mouth of a tunnel before a speeding train comes rushing through

Leaving behind smoke. Noise. Vibrations.

Where there were roots once

Was a desolate field of unrequited love

Torn dreams, unfulfilled desires and an unhinged soul.

Remnants of a battle field

Of love won. And lost.

She called me

That late afternoon.

She was crying. And I sat to listen.

My battlefield blacked out from my mind

Gaping holes, fractures, aches, pains and longings forgotten

I listened.

She cried for love. Longing

The winds that wrecked havoc in my life

Had swung suddenly. Violently. Intentionally targeting her.

The rain had already started

And while she loved to dance in the rain

She could not

Not with this rain.
She knew. This rain will burn, acid.

When the first wisps of the wind touched her skin

She called me.

And we cried

Her in the pain of now.
I cried for all I had left and lost in the battlefield.

She cried for belonging
I cried for re-membering

She cried for understanding
I longed for memories

Our susceptible naïve souls knew what it was to know love.

We cried for love.

Love {ukn}won.

Love lost

At the end of the conversation she said,

My back is wet. From the dew I have been lying on.
I had forgotten how beautiful grass smells

When warmed by the body

I have forgotten

What it is like, not to be in battle.

Maybe I will call her.

-->

Scared. You Will Love Me

I want to know you
The deepest recesses of who you are
What you are.

The closed up, guarded, fortified you!

Then you ask if I love you
What I see I love
The experience is lovable
But love you?

You is soo deep inside, I have not reached it yet
Excavation, probing, unlayering, extraction.
It could be that is what I am enjoying
Will what I find at the end be worthy?
Of my energy, effort and love?

Can you be loved?
Love?

It could be me
My dreams, expectations and desires
of love and hot it should be
Vulnerable
Desire
It could be me
Wanting
Needing
Desiring more

You are my walls
To let me love you
Is to let me be loved
Known. Vulnerable. Desirable

I am afraid of knowing you
As then you will know me
And then,
you will love me.

Overwhelm

Do I overwhelm you?

Do I?

My quirks, spontaneity, dreaminess of and for life?
Does this overwhelm?

Am I a monster to be broken
Subdued, subjugated, made subordinate?
Conquered, vanquished and brought to its knees

Or,

An adventurer
Always looking for the next venture
Uneasy if tamed or domesticated
The one you have yearned for
To take you to far away places
And yet,
I scare you and overwhelm you...?

This is new for you
I can tell.
From the way you deeply inhale while I dream
I hope you dont wonder,
"Why is he with me?"
"Why does he stay?"

Hope you know
I wonder too...
Why am I here, with you?
What fate brought us together
I do this in the middle of my dreaming
of the next adventure

It may seem like I always know
What the adventure will bring
It wouldn't be an adventure if I knew, would it?

Confidence is a facade
Butterflies flutter in my tummy
Throat dries
Muscles weaken
I never know what the next adventure will be
Maybe this is the adventure

Do I overwhelm you?
I overwhelm myself.....sometimes